Tuesday, August 31, 2004

In Honor of the Day (2 Month Anniversary with John)

I do not often take the time to express the dearest parts of myself, most especially to those who I love the most. Almost always I catch myself stumbling over my words and saying something which is easily misunderstood. For the most part I blame the fact that speech is not my first language, gaudy words and spoken sentences lack the substance of my thoughts, as I lack the skill to express them.
My harshness and the demands of my love can be trying and hard to understand. In my life I am a man of few revealing words, and try to focus upon consistency and order in my actions and judgements. It has always been my belief that my words, as are the words of others, pail in comparison to the utter truth that is an action and both its forseeable and ineffible consequences. My soul is inexpressible in mere words, and as such so are the deepest fundamentals of my thoughts. Words, in the end, are not the thing.
It's this that reminds me most of John, and what he has been able to bring to me in just a few short weeks. Two moons have merited not a change in my thoughts and words, nor even something still so base as a change in my actions. John has brought to me a new vision with which to see the world and a new way for me to choose my actions. I appreciate what he can give me, because his presence alone often proves an inspiring force in my life which causes in me deep and fundamental change. I prefer The Tom he knows, His Tom as he would call me. I prefer in me the spirit which he reminds me I possess, and the values his presence accentuates in not simply my deeds but in the inner strivings of my heart.
Tonight I will go to bed remembering my love and thinking of him. My thoughts of him tonight will, as they have before, cause me to recall my blessings and my virtues. And what more can I say in thanks to the man who has reminded me to be thankful?
Only this, that I love him.

Friday, August 27, 2004

Would you buy time on a super computer?

I was just having a discussion with my roomates about the future development of computer technology. Mostly it began with someone pointing out that the computer on my desk was 2/3 the strength of the first Krey supercomputer. Isaac said that it's even possible to download the only two available programs written for the Krey system to run on your home machine. This lead me to think about the Earth Simulator in Japan and some of the other super-massive systems that exist in the world today. Not to mention, of course, the large Beoulwulf Clusters that are becoming even more commonplace.
Consider the possibility of having an in house hard-drive but access to a large super computing array. It would be a terminal in your home with an in house set of drives, but access to a large computing array elsewhere. Isaac points out that a small in house processor would be neccessary, but most of the computing could be done at the exterior site.
Probably it would have to start relatively small, something for the Joneses. Over time, of course, it could be expanded and made less expensive so that anyone would be able to afford it.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Poverty is Eternal

I would like to begin this by commending my roomates on the work that they have done. Isaac has started classes and, since the last time I spoke on these issues, actually started looking for work instead of theorizing on how it should be done. He has hit up massage place after massage place, and has branched out to formulate and execute countless backup-plans about how to find an income in his chosen voation. Jason has shamed us both (I too am looking for a second job, but at a much more leisurely pace) by marching on foot up and down the whole of the city and filling out applications at more places than I care to count. I'm proud of them both.
I wanted to start with that because I don't want my roomates to think that anything that I say after this point is an attack on them. Sometimes I think they feel that it is. Puts me in an awkward situation, really. If I bring up my thoughts and concerns on the issue then I sort of feel like Im guilting them, even though I intend not to. I think that this is especially true becuase both of them are such compassionate people in themselves that it really puts undue stress on them as well. Still, there are things on my mind that I just need to get off my chest, so boys, please don't take offense.
The rent is coming due next week. It's all good in that I get paid the day before the rent is due, and I will have enough money to cover all the bills and buy food for the house. It will take every last cent that I will get paid, with maybe a tinsy little bit left over, but it will all get paid. That is at least some degree of comfort, to know that we will have food, lights, water, and a house. Its better than in times in the past when I had to stress about even those things. I need to make certain that I stay focussed on the positive, that I will have everything taken care of and I still have John and my job, both of which I love.
It doesnt always help though, having the job that I love if it can't really pay the rent by itself. I live in an almost constant fear that if something doesn't give very soon then we could all be homeless at the end of October. My parents don't have room for my anymore with all the things going on in their attempt to move, if this all falls apart I can't think of many places where I could go.
It's depressing though, and utterly terrifying. When I started all of this at the beginning of the summer I had worked out a fairly complicated and well drafted plan about how I could put money aside from each of these checks and be able to support myself through at least half of the fall semester. Now, at this point, with events having fallen the way that they did I am left wondering whether or not I will be able to support myself through even just the month of September. I'm falling, without my consent or any recourse to myself, into that most lamentable of modern states, working to live.
It's so strange, really. I made a vow to myself a long time ago not to ever worry about money in my life again. I realized then, after much personal growth, that the way I viewed money and what it accomplished in my life was in utter contradiction to the facts of what money really is. I stand by my belief, and to some degree still stand by my vow. What I stress over these days is not so much the money itself, its that with or without my consent, money is the means by which certain aspects of life are obtained. It is not my lack of money which stresses me mostly, it is the sacrifice of aspects of my life which I find most disheartening.
I put almost every part of my life on hold to come to Austin and begin life over completely anew. I abandoned not just some, but nearly all of my worldly possessions. All of my furniture, huge tracks of my past, all of my appliances and a great deal of my clothing are gone now, and it seems that none of them will be replaced until December at the earliest, but most likely not until next summer or possibly later. Well, I suppose that I could rework all the details of my plans again so that I could get a better paying job and actually begin building something for myself, but that would come at a necessary sacrifice of why I was willing to abandon so much and come here in the first place.
The time has come for me to choose the goals I have for my life alone, and to have at least a portion of my work and my contributions be for me only and not for this idea of community that I have allowed to swallow every bit of my soul and ambition. I don't feel like I live or work for myself anymore, instead I feel like I live and work for the good of the collective. Now mind you, I don't want to abandon that completely, it gives me much and gives much to those around me. In the proper circumstances with everyone adopting the correct additudes and ethics it really is a much superior way to live, but there must still be some room for individual achievement and personal growth.
I need to find something to participate in which is outside of the home. I must find something or some activity which will allow me a chance to express myself and feel that I am carrying something from this opportunity in Austin which is removed from those that came here with me. I don't know what yet, but I need something in my life that is just for me. I hope that isn't selfish.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Some random thoughts to start the day

So yesterday was a blessing and a curse. I have been reminded how utterly emotional and cruel I can be when I have been drinking too much. It's also amazing to me that my emotional state before the alchohol apparently has nothing to do with my emotional state after the alchohol, and that even the smallest little thing can completely push me over the edge. I need to cut back on the drinking quite a bit, or at least I need to cut back to not drinking to the point I get utterly trashed. I do not like losing control of my emotional state, and I certainly don't enjoy making a show out of my own weaknesses.
Now, those of you who read this who were around last night, I don't want you to think that mind revealing my inner thoughts and feelings, but alchohol feelings are never quite authentic. When I am drunk I lose my capacity to view a situation as a whole and I also have a tendency to attach great meaning to meaningless actions and intents. Me when I am drunk is a precarious beast who reveals only aspects of truth, and never enough of the details to truely understand. This is simply unacceptable behavior for me to take towards people that I love.
I have things pretty good right now, and I am happier here in the life that I have made than I have been in years before. I have the job that I always dreamed of, I have a boyfriend who is more than I ever could have conceived of, I am living with both of my brothers and spiritual companions, I have the best cat in the world, and except for an almost continuous state of poverty these days I have few worries at all. Life is good, but through my actions and better perspectives I could make it far better.
There are people in Austin who I have counted amongst my most cherished friends, but I have spent very little time with them. Kat lives just a few miles away, but since I have been in Austin I have spent so very little time with her. Matthew lives just across the street from the campus where I taught this summer, but I have only gone to see him once since I discovered his home. I simply must make more of an effort to rebuild those parts of my life and past which I have allowed through my inaction in the past to become atrophied.
Austin is also rich with opportunities. It is a place which embraces the ideals and conceptions which I most value in my soul. This is a place for artists and philosophers, where activism is not just something that people want to be involved in but actually are. This is a town that cares about itself and humanity, and I want to take a much more active part in that.
Now, don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people here who are simply going through the motions and are devoid of the true passions which calls a person to action. There are people here, just as anywhere, who embrace certain ideologies and styles to fit into a subculture. This is simply a fact of human experience; there are always going to be those who follow without thought, and who feel passion only upon command. It simply cannot be helped, but such is life. Still, even the less authentic souls here seem to have a bit more potential than those that I have met in other places.
So today there are things which I must accomplish. Tomorrow is a class day so I need to spend a little time writing my lecture and planning a few demonstrations. Also, I need to go by the Tutor House to remind them that I exist and to try to get more of my application turned in. I still have to contact a few people to write me a letters of recommendation, but I am hoping that won't be a problem. I also need to spend a little time with PK today, I think that I have been ignoring him lately.
And another random thought to end things. I once had a goal, well intended and pure in purpous, to purge from myself all aspects of vice. Over the years I have let myself fall into various traps and to lose track of this goal. I think it high time that I embrace it again and take up the task of being responsible for myself and my beliefs.
There is an objective good and I shall find it in myself, even if it takes the span of my life.

Monday, August 23, 2004

In Honor of the Day (First Day of Class, Fall 2004)

That there is an order to the nature of the universe is a thing that in this day can go almost utterly unquestioned. Still, we often forget to be amazed at the intrinsic beauty and simplicity of the reality which surround us. The works of Newton, Maxwell, Einstein, and the many others have done nothing to remind us of our limitations, but instead have spent their life in the pursuit of the highest peaks of truth and beauty.
The stars are furnaces kept bright through a dance of nuclear physics and quantum mechanics. Planets are born and made from dust and the mysterious attractions of gravity. Light fills all of space and transmits information from even the most distant corners of the universe to this small island that we call home. All of creation is filled with shattering detail and a complexity governed by the most efficient and beautiful of physical laws. Nature is pure in its perfection.
And still, what awe should we possess at ourselves and the accomplishments of our kind? Have we not, from this empty garden, made cities and universities and dared to not just look but to step upon the moon? Think of all that you know, that was discovered through hard labor and brilliance, which was not known to those before us. Have we not dared to look upon the stars and decipher from them the sources of their light and course? Have we not delved into the depths of mathematics, and the infinite truth there recorded, to only find that truth goes deeper than reason could hope to? I call upon us each to remember that not all truths are revelations, some are gained through a life of passion and sacrifice.
Remember always that truth and beauty are all about us, strewn upon the ground and in the heavens. When we have completed the longest journey, it was said once in a poem, we shall find ourselves back where we begun but to see it now for the first time.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Today and Other Blessings

Things could not be better today, but in a few hours they promise to be. This morning I woke up at John's. We took advantage of the fact that his parents were both out of town to spend an evening over there. I fell asleep when we came by here to pick up the fire water, but it ended up being a good thing since I woke up with a renewed vigour.
Yesterday was a wonderful time. John took me to the Cheesecake Factory to celebrate my ascention to profess this sesmester. (I've been leaving out some of the details of my life lately, I know, but I get to teach this Fall - AMEN) I fear I wasn't the best dinner companion, but probably a much better one than I have been known to be in the past. Still, I was a little exhausted (and more than a wee bit tipsy) and I was simply drained all through dinner.
Even through the exhaustion and the drinks, I remember the food and how nice it was to be alone with John for just a little while. The rest of the night really just got better from there.
For those of you who don't know him, my boyfriend really is quite perfect. Slowly, very slowly, I'm learning not to treat him the way I do most people. His damn patience is going to get him stuck with me, I swear it.
Well, we watched Invader Zim (GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I got to crash in his room (after we craftily created a diversion in the guest room). It really meant alot to me to be there, to be in his home and share in that part of his life. I felt alot that I need to be more for him and try harder than I have in the past. I was glad to wake up next to him today, especially when after a few cigarettes I got a phonecall from my favourite aunt, Serendipity.
See the last few days have been exhausting, but John has been pillar and faith. I got a phonecall two days ago from the head of the department saying that my transcripts needed to be in by the next day at noon or I couldn't teach this semester. I wasn't surprised really, my old school is sort of know for this kind of desperate oversight and lack of concern for its outcome. After dealing with two days of that special beaurocratic kindness that we all know and love I got everything accomplished which I could and just went on with the assumption that I would be teaching in the fall, after all John and I were going to be celebrating it that evening.
This morning the head of the department called to let me know that he had gone over my head and told the Vice President about my circumstances, and the Vice President had signed off on it himself. I want to redouble my efforts to make certain that the transcripts arrive as quickly as possible so I don't take advantage of so generous acts by my department head and the whole of my employer. Thank you Mr. Vice President, I won't let you down.
I made a wish the other day by a fountain, and John asked me if I could tell him what it was when it had been granted to me. I told him I would, but that I had faith in slow wishes and bad memories to render my promise mute. Still, the way the last few days have been going I might be obliged to reveal it to him soon.
I am bountifully rewarded though I cling to so many vices. Perhaps there is still something in me to be salvaged since the universe conspires to give me so much these days and deliver me to achievement, brotherhood, and love.
I've learned a valuable lesson today, and I mark it among the list of the many that I have learned just being here in this city. I want to commend myself to the moment of my love. The future, the past, these things will come. The eternal now, it's one of the secrets to seeing God. There is no time, not really, there only is

Friday, August 20, 2004

For My Love

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,
Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee--and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings,
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

Stolen from William Shakespeare. I stole it with sincerity, so I don't think the great poet will mind.
I love you.

The Ship of Theseus and the Identity of the Soul

"The ship wherein Theseus and the youth of Athens returned [from Crete] had thirty oars, and was preserved by the Athenians down even to the time of Demetrius Phalereus, for they took away the old planks as they decayed, putting in new and stronger timber in their place, insomuch that this ship became a standing example among the philosophers, for the logical question of things that grow; one side holding that the ship remained the same, and the other contending that it was not the same." - Plutarch

The ship of Thesues speaks directly to the question of identity, though I think that perhaps the example of the ship is not the strongest one. The ship is possessed only of an identity insomuch that we have given it a name and decided to recall the history of the ship. It is much like a series of atoms, to me which due to entropy and collissions decay and lose their parts. They recombine and alter to form new things, but the process can be slow and is almost always continuous.
A deeper question was posed to me once when I was in college. Suppose that our technology has advanced to the point that every type of human cell, except neurons, can be perfectly mimicked with technology.
I realize, of course, that this can be quite a stretch in imagination. This sort of advance in technology may be hard to believe, but certainly not impossible by the standards of our technological advancement. Still, I digress.
Suppose further that you go to the doctor and cell by cell have all the parts of your body perfectly replaced with these transcendent machines. We are careful to make certain that the doctor replaces the cells individualy so that after each cell is included you are given a chance to adjust and let your brain accept and incorporate the replacements. The important thing is that the brain and the self awareness is allowed to always be as continuous as your body is as each of its cells is replaced.
The question is posed then, at the end of all this are you still you? Your cells have been completely replaced by mere mechanical (though impressive) tissues. The response of many is to claim that the brain has been left untouched, and it is the seat of the soul (so our science now tells us, though the stuff of the brain fills the body entire).
Now let us suppose that we make another great leap in technology (though I have to suspect that the leap of genius which would make it possible would be quite simple) and we now have the capacity to replace the neurons of the brain and the nervous system. As the cells are replaced you are asked if there is any missing parts of you, if there is any lack of continuity in your perception of the world and in your self identity. Would one exist? After a certain large fraction of the brain has been replaced can we possibly say that the creature now before us is still alive and possessed of a soul. Is it not an automaton?
The solution to this problem I think is far simpler than the question seems to suggest. The solution flows from one of the original statements of the problem. The same sort of thing happens as an organism grows. The totality of our body, including the brain is replaced every seven years. Not all of the cells die, but the chemical pieces of them are replaced as the body slowly purifies and changes itself in order to stay alive. The very nature of our identity and its ability to retain continuity is dependent wholly on that absolute idea of growth and change. Change is almost always defining in the universe, after all on a certain level change defines time.
The concept of the instant is important to the definition of identity. I am me now, but that is all that I ever am. Each instant is its own, but by necessity must be linked in a continuous and causal way with all of the instants before and all those yet to come. I should not ever expect to be what I was seven years ago or even just this morning. I am always and forever only what I AM. The apparent utter transformation of myself, or even of a likely mythical Athenian ship, is unimportant when the idea of continuity is applied. I am still me because I am me now and I can trace a history back to a me that I was then. Though each part of me be replaced, with new cells or mechanical pieces, so long as the transformation is continuous then I should suppose that there is no place and no reason why I should ever cease to be me and to have my consciousness dissolve.
Now as for the ship. Well it cannot be aware of its own existence, and the continuity of its experience, though codified and recalled by objective physical truth, can only have any sort of identity because we continue to recall the ship which carried the young soldiers home to their countries and their loves. Isn't the ship now in a different place and a different instant than when Theseus stood upon its deck. It is a ship still because to those who speak my language that is what a ship is called, and it is the ship of Theseus because all of its alterations and changes can be traced in a causal way from this instant to the instant in the past when Theseus guided the ship back home again. It is not the ship of Theseus because Theseus does not sail it any longer, but its identity rests in its history, its continuity, and that has not ever changed and if the ship existed still (or ever did) then that causal history makes its identity still authentic.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Thoughts Upon the Chinese Box

A famous thought experiment in artificial intelligence places a man who has absolutely no knowledge of the Chinese language into a room where he is delivered through some small hole a series of questions written in Chinese. A book, conceivably a large tome, is there with him, written in his native tongue, which instructs him as to how the symbols are to be arranged in order to respond properly to the cards given him, supposedly to answer correctly the questions posed. The system as conceived would be capable of passing a Turing test, or so say some of the great minds of our time. Still, the question of whether or not the system has obtained from this some sort of independent thought is a question of some debate (though less debate these days in which the great questions of philosophy are discussed no longer, but instead debated over drinks).
It is my belief (though computer science is a bit far afield for me) that the common response to this thought experiment is to say that though the man does not know Chinese, or understand the questions posed to him, the system (that of the man, the questions, the book, and the box) do indeed "know" Chinese and the proper responses to the questions. In this sense, it is argues, the system understands the questions as well as the answers.
Here I think it would behoove us to look more deeply at what is meant by this. Let me recast it in a sense I think is more understandable. It is certainly true that the information of how to respond properly to the questions posed in Chinese does indeed exist within the system. Given the man and the book the capacity to respond to supposedly any question posed in Chinese (supposing of course that the question is not rhetorical and does possess an answer). Still, can we say that the system has "understood" the symbols and has responded in like kind?
Let us look at the book for a moment, and ignore the quagmire that is the man and the understanding which comes with a creature of reason. The book is a set of symbols, which standing alone and without interpretation are as random as the characters written in Chinese to the man looking at them. The book, however, has an added advantage to the man in that they are capable of relaying to him a set of instructions (albeit likely complicated ones) which can be understood only because he has the capacity to interpret the symbols already. The book, you see, is just like the cards in that sense. Without a means of easily interpreting the symbols it too is just a comprised set of characters which lack meaning. Without interpretation the book stands as blank of knowledge and command as do the arrangement of the stars.
I believe that it would be argued that it is here that I make my error, but let me delve just a bit more deeply about the nature of the book and what is meant by information. Information without a means to application is as useless as a perfect understanding but with no information about the system. The book can be abstracted to any degree that we choose, but still it is only a mask by which the information can be transmitted. The information, however, (in this case the rules by which the Chinese symbols should be translated) is without viability lest it is possessed of both an input and an impotus by which the input can be interpreted. An algorithm is not understanding, nor does it signify understanding.
Now let us to the man, whose understanding at least of some things is not in question. He is possessed of the capacity to make interpretations of the book by which his responses shall be governed. A question is posed to him in Chinese and without any knowledge he is capable of responding to it, using only his ability to recognize the symbols presented and his ability to interpret the commands by which responses are generated. Understanding of the book is a necessity here, as a book also written in Chinese (or any other language he does not speak) would be just as useless in responding to the questions as the questions themselves. The point is that he is not understanding the process but simply following the motions. His understanding of the book does not imply that between he and the book understanding has been reached, instead only that he has the capacity to follow commands.
Not only this but the man himself has some degree of understanding. Without his ability to interpret the symbols in the book the system would simply sit there without response, flacid and without any capacity at all. Within the book might still rest the knowledge of how a solution might be obtained, but without the mans understanding of the commands the system has obtained no new understanding at all, instead it has only the information by which a response could be initiated. I do not wish to undermine the idea of the thought experiment in saying this, but it is only the man which has at any point demonstrated an ability to interpret, which is a cornerstone to understanding.
Perhaps an arguement could be made that through the man's understanding of the set of instructions the system has somehow transcended the apparent limitations and has achieved some sort of understanding abstractly, but is this really so? Has not the system (with the man's understanding in tow) only performed a set of predefined instructions? If the ability to obey instruction (however fundamental) is the only aspect of understanding then can we not also say that a drop of rain which falls understands not only gravity but evaporation, air currents, and humidity as well?
Suppose that it is like this, that we eliminate the man and the question of his understanding entirely. Let us suppose that the instructions (the book) is somehow automated so that symbols can be recognized, compared, and a response can be formulated from the rules (much like when you pose some sort of query to a computer which has the capacity to recognize the query given). Are we to suppose that the instructions themselves have somehow understood the question posed? Think of some advanced internet search tool which can recognize key words and phrases and deliver a series of websites as response. In this case, where the instructions are automated, are we to believe that the website delivering these responses has somehow understood our questions and conceived of a response, or are we to believe that a set of commands has been executed and a set of characters which I may recognize as an interpretive idea are given?
In the end, does not understanding rest with the ability to interpret instead of the ability to obey?

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Good Tidings of Great Joy

I got a phone call this morning at 8:45am. Now, normally a call at this time of day would be something that I would utterly despise. I have, for example, been getting them from Isaac's parents almost every weekday morning (I intercept the calls since the phone is usually left in my room when everyone goes to sleep, no biggie). Still, a morning phone call is not something I look forward to, especially since the only people who ever call then are either people with bad news or people seeking my money. (Damn thee, bill collectors).
This morning, however, was different. I was woke this morning with wonderful news, even though it was at 8:45. The school called me to offer me a teaching position for the fall semester. It was somewhat of a surprise since the college had told me that the assignements for the fall semester had been made even before I was hired on for the summer session. Still, this morning Lala (the physics admistrative assistant) called to ask if I wanted to teach General College Physics I starting on Monday.
A ridiculous question, if you ask me, of course I want to teach. Hallelujah and amen.
The great thing about the fall semester for me is that the amount that I will get paid each month for teaching this class (which is shorter in each session and meets only twice a week) will almost exactly cover my bills and expenses, so if I can find another job to work just a few hours a week then all that money will be play money. And I do so like play money.
In other news, well, there really isnt any other news. The day has been quite an accomplishment for me. I managed to get all the things that I needed to do today done, along with a list of things that I was planning on getting done later in the week. My plan for the night is to spend some time with my Commercial guests and to see my favorite boyfriend, John (hehehe). Tonight is a night for celebration, that is if I can find the means to celebrate, but to that end and goal I do not know if it will be possible. C'est la vie, n'est pas?
So, till next we meet, my friends. And power to the people.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

In Dreaming they say mirrors are the hardest part

"Many are the men who would ask for immortality but wonder how to spend a Sunday afternoon." - Voltaire

I've always really liked that quote, it really seems to capture something about the nature and contentment of man... but of course hypocricy being my favorite sin and all it's been a statement that has described me completely today. Absolute and total physical and intellectual lethargy. Most of the day my bed just had me tied there in chains, but my bed has been very good to me today, so I shouldn't complain.
I've had a fascinating day though, filled with a deep and long dilated time. This morning seemed like lifetimes ago, and it reminds me of old memories. Things which just now seem to be much closer to me than they have in years, but brunch and morning time see as far removed from my evening as dusk was from the dawn of time. A sort of sad compulsion drove the majority of my day and I found it a day for retrospection and self analysis. Perhaps its why the memories of this day seem so far removed from a day whose very fabric is the past.
John pointed out to me once, quite wisely, that a nourished mind will crave the "quiet of the drawing room" and that a child's proper education crucially depends upon it. There is more freedom in our minds, after all, than in the details of our society. I think that its a quiet that I worked very hard to lose, and now I feel like Oedipus with screeching voices always in his head. I asked for it though, creating one mental distraction after another over the span of a half decade.
I've let to much of me go in the passing of the years, but thankfully I have kept much of what is truely most important. I see how my life has drifted from one of introspection and the contentment of my thoughts to one of brash and garish exploits and honors praised.
I must seek to take more comfort in my thoughts.

Friday, August 13, 2004

Thoughts Upon the Ebb and Flow

So here it is, almost a month and a half since I last wrote a weblog entry, but what can I say, life has been busy with me. The news which I think is most merited (both chronologically and in importance) is that I have found a boyfriend. John was delivered to me by serendipity in the most humiliating of ways, but strange indeed are the ways of luck.
I was online the very last night that I had access to the internet and I ran into him in that bastion of modern debauchery, gay.com. Surprising to the venue he is brilliant and passionate, and we have been together now for over a month and a few weeks. I miss him lately though, since he has been away on business. He returns tonight though (insert big grin here).
Of John, that would be his name, there is much that I could say. He has proven to be quite a stabalizing force in my life, and in many ways the exact sort of inspiration that I have long needed. When I think of him while he is not here I find myself almost instantly venturing off to accomplish some task, be it menial or profound, in order to make him proud of me. Often I feel like a schoolboy who doesnt quite know how to react to all of it, and Im sure that he would agree with me on that one (at least on occassion. My lack of experience in a deeply emotional relationship and my fears of abandonment have made me react in totally teenage ways about some aspects of our relationships, as always, I blame myself). It's nice to have someone in my life that concerns himself so deeply with my feelings, though. His patience and willingness to work through even the most vile of my childish behaviors has proven to me how right I am to care for him. If only all the world could be so lucky.
John is not the only thing that has been happening in my life lately. With the advent of a new house and a whole series of rotating roomates things on the homefront have been a bit shakey and stressful, not to mention that I have suffered a loss to myself which I do not currently feel comfortable talking about to the people that surround me.
How easy it is to feel forgotten by the main.
The truth of the matter is that I am reaching a breaking point, and the people which surround me in my life at the moment just seem to sit there agast with dirty looks accusing me of being hard to deal with. So be it then. Change is hard for some people, but its always come rather easy for me.
I don't really want to get into all the details of it all, but certain subtle abuses and almost constant criticisms have worn me down. Its been happening for so many years now that I don't think it even gets noticed anymore.
I should go, the roomies have returned and much needs to be planned and corrected for the remainder of the evening.
Here is to hoping for an end to the stress, or perhaps just a little human dignity. Something tells me though that it will be difficult to get that since I don't think anyone really knows whats actually bothering me.
I'm sure that its all my fault though, isnt it always?