Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Here is a truth about myself I don't think anyone understands, and in moments when Im most inwardly inspective I don't think that I do either.

Its a riddle........take pause, and think about it.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind

If you are wondering where the title comes from, its Shakespeare, Midsummer Nights Dream. Beautiful isn't it, and very true. Still, I cant help but think that its truth is lost these days, at least among most of the people that I have met lately. Now, dont get me wrong, Im not cynical about it, just hoping that I have just been looking in the wrong places. Then I pose the question, where is the right place?

I have sat outside looking at the stars with dear friends, and made a great realization. I pity the sun for the sake of the arrogant moon. I want to find someone who knows what I mean, to have a lesser sphere reflect your own light with a softer beauty that is often much more understood, but stolen nonetheless. I want someone who knows what they want from life, and will make no apologies about doing what it takes to get it, but still doesnt walk across plains of their vanquished foes to win. I want someone who is soft and gentle, but strong when they need to be. I want someone on whom the joy of life is not lost, who is happy with who they are, but more importantly, happy with who they are becoming. I want someone who I can learn from, who can learn from me, and who, together with, we can learn new things that alone we could not begin to understand. I want understanding and patience, but a touch of righteous anger whem merited. I want someone who understands that morals are eggshells, but ethics are sacred beyond religion, and actually knows the difference. I want someone who not only admits their guilts, but owns them, not necessarily to be embraced, but to be there, to be learned from, and in the learning to find the contrition. I want someone who is arrogant, not because they want to be, but because they can, and still to see fundamental equality in a world where there is no such definition. I want someone who enjoys every breath of their life, who pursues it with the vigor of gods, and who in their final breath will not breath a sigh of relief for the sake of escaping regret, but will instead smile the smile of the finally content and whisper the name of something loved. I want quiet nights wrapped up by a fire lost in a ballet of color and emotion. I want arguements that make me cry, followed with a smile from one of us that melts the heart and makes compromise and new ground where before there could be none. I want someone whose goals are impossible, but so convinced by their idealism that they still come true, and together we have such faith in each other that nothing could not be done. I want to know that if faith can move mere mountains then I have found the soul with whom I move worlds. I want the only regret ever to be known is the loss of innocence, and yet still cling even in the loosing. I want a shooting star, that burns with a fury that ignites others to grandeurs and heights that they thought that they never could find.

Most would prbably say that I want too much, but the one that I am looking for is the one who says to himself while reading, "Yes, these things are a good place to begin..."

***This piece was written a few years ago. I put it here for safe keeping***

Sunday, May 01, 2005

And when I'm alone.....

There is this certain way the silence sounds, like a multitude of voices against the ringing of a bell. It is certain and ever different, water against stones. Even the slightest noise would shatter it, and yet it exists in a vastness and a certainty which can lend it nothing but strength. It's dominance is in it's delicacy.
It's rather like a darkness, or in some ways a great light. The thing is of itself, unyielding and unfaltered, but any breach would destroy it all. Nothing but man and Hegel; God and oblivion. What is creation in the end but a shattering of the void and the breaking of a trivial symmetry?
When I'm alone I see my friends, my family, my people and my kind in a world that screams it's joy to them. The silence comes with all it's voices and sing to the praises of existing. That mere fragments of energy should make chemistry and stars. That mere dust could make my people, my parents, and I. That mere people could make justice, science, and poetry. What it is to think, and by think to know. That mere carbon, just dust, would ask these questions or write these words. It's the asking that is holy.
And so, when I'm alone I think a lot about the world and how I perceive it. I think a lot about the martyr and the ascetic. I think a lot about the Gnostics and what it is to lose a love. When I'm alone I think a lot about what it's like to be alone.
Like just now. I sit here in my room, everyone else in bed. John and I did not have the best of evenings out and I was rather cruel to him. My dunkeness had gotten the better of me and some darker part of my psyche decided to reak a little havoc on the purest thing I know. I'm not proud of it, but it happened. The evening progressed and I came home.
On my way I listened to Beck and wondered all the time what it was that I thought about when I'm alone. Then I run into one of the first waking truths, a koan of the modern age
....thoughts are not silence.
So the visage is shattered again, and in a clamour I arrive back at my room. And it seems again that Hegel may be right. It is either joy or silence, despair or song.
These days when I'm alone I think about my priorities. I wonder at the ways that I am changed, those ways that I changed myself, but also a great deal more about the ways that I have been changed. I concentrate on the fabric of my life, the decisions that I have made and how they have woven together in not just myself but through the core of all whom I have known. I wonder at all the things that I do not see and all the things that are assumed of me.
Mostly when I'm alone, though, I'm just trying to let it all go for a moment. In these moments when I'm alone there is usually just silence and an attempt to find myself again.